Torment of the Past
by CanaanAlphardForever
Summary: Warning: Manga Spoilers! Tormented by images of a life in her dreams, Ymir wonders what it all means. YmirxKrista oneshot. AU. Past life.


Blood. Gore. Screaming. Tears. There were titans, dying soldiers and raining blood everywhere. Cries of fear and cries of pain. Losing loved ones and losing limbs. Ymir stood in the centre of it all, watching with a pounding heart as man fought monsters. She watched herself, as one of those monsters, dance from body to body and fight off the giant creatures. Was that really her? That monster?

Ymir continued to watch as she was saved by a blonde and she reciprocated the action, desperately. The panic when she watched the titans lunge for the blonde, the longing she felt when the blonde looked into her eyes – ignoring the monster, the pathetic being looking back – filled Ymir's chest. She covered her heart with a hand and clutched at the fabric of her grey shirt. It hurt, the emotions in her chest hurt.

The scenes in front of her changed. Past and future all changed and blurred together. It would have confused Ymir if she hadn't seen all of this so many times before that she could pick at the individual images and know what was happening.

It all changed again and she saw herself standing around a fire, accompanied by many solemn soldiers, all mourning the death of a friend or a comrade. She found herself wondering why she was there, pretending to be what she wasn't, and then she glanced to her side and realized the answer. There was a reason she was there, a reason behind her strange obsession and the determination to join something she still cared nothing for.

_Historia._

Ymir bolted upright in her bed, hand clutching her chest, and gasped heavily for breath to fill her depraved and burning lungs. Her skin was hot and covered in sweat, causing her clothes to stick uncomfortably to her body. The window was open and the curtain bellowed, allowing a cool wind to flow in and chill Ymir's skin.

Like always the freckled brunette climbed out of bed and went to wash her face in the sink in the bathroom. Once she threw two cupped handfuls of water onto her sticky skin, she straightened slightly and looked into her exhausted, anguished eyes. They were brown, but dull. Not as lively and amused as always. No, Ymir had lost her shine.

Her hair, now long enough that she had to clip it at the base of her neck, looked dirty and messy. When had she started to neglect herself? It wasn't just that, but her body was also unusually thin. She used to be quite attractive and toned, but now she was unhealthily skinny because she just couldn't eat anymore.

Ever since the dreams had started, the dreams of titans and soldiers and the walls, she had struggled to eat and sleep. Her job hung in the balance, too, because she was so tired all of the time that she ended up dozing off at work only to have her boss throw a book at her to wake her up. An office job was the last thing Ymir had ever expected to get, it didn't suit her personality at all, but it had been there when she was desperate and now she was thankful. Something that required more effort would have had her jobless already, given how she had been exhausted and moody over the past few months.

Ymir could not make any sense of the dreams. They were recurring and so real that she often wondered if she was actually living it and simply returning back to her time or her dimension. Of course, Ymir always scoffed at herself for the absurd thought. It wasn't possible that this was anything other than a strange dream, but it kept repeating itself; events that seemed like they had really happened. Not to mention the amount of emotions she felt each and every night during these dreams. And the thing that made her feel the most, or person as it should be, was a little blonde.

Historia, or Krista to those who knew not her true identity. But Ymir did. She had dreamt of the castle event where she had attempted to save them all by fighting off the group of titans herself, titan transformed. She had heard the girl's true name, though she had already known it before that. She had simply wanted Historia to say it to her. And she did.

Who was Historia, really? Was she someone Ymir had created in her a mind, an ideal partner? It was obvious to Ymir that in these dreams she was sickeningly in love with the girl, enough to abandon her own rules so that she could protect her.

A lot of the times Ymir found herself falling into the persona of her dreams. She was very much like the person in her dreams, but she was different. She was more open to people, and some people actually liked her. She had a family, a sort of normal family. Parents, a brother and a little sister. But Ymir would suddenly think and feel like the other Ymir.

Like the Ymir that was alone and mysterious, and preferred it that way. She found herself becoming suspicious of people for no reason, and being more selfish than usual.

It made her worry that she was developing a second personality, or something. But it always tied down to the dreams. To the place where people were kept inside of a wall like cattle because of titans. Where those that died outnumbered those born.

It was a very frightening and dark world, and though Ymir knew it was simply a dream, she could not shake the feeling that it had happened and she had been there. As herself in a different time, as s different person. She looked and sounded the same as the Ymir of her dreams, and she even shared the same name.

When she asked her parents about why they had named her that, they claimed that they had come across the name in some history book and it just stuck with them. It was such a weird name to give her, considering that her siblings had completely different names. But her parents claimed they felt wrong naming her anything else.

Ymir grabbed a towel and dried her face off. She went into her room to change into a pair of black pants and shoes and then grabbed her black coat by the front door on her way out. At times like these she felt a need to take a walk through the neighbourhood, despite the time, and stroll around until her unease passed and she could somewhat forget about the gruesome images plaguing her mind.

On this particular night it was quite dark and cool. There were no clouds in the sky and only a multitude of brilliant sparkling stars. Ymir found herself thinking that watching the stars was a peaceful privilege, because with the threat of the titans not a lot of people get the chance to just walk slowly and watch the sky.

She shook her head and cursed softly, wanting to get that Ymir out of her head and think normally again. She hated thinking like she was actually in the walls, under the threat of being devoured by giant naked people.

There was a small park not too far from her house, consisting of a pond and a swing. There were also a few benches scattered around. Ymir took a seat on the bench by the sidewalk and took to watching the cars pass by. It must have been quite late because there was hardly any traffic, but there were few cars driving by. It helped to distract her from thinking about anything regarding the titans, and most importantly, the love of her dreams, Historia.

Ymir sighed and slumped back against the bench. She shoved her hands into her pockets and dropped her head back so that she could look directly up at the stars.

Historia. Small, kind, gorgeous Historia.

Sometimes Ymir liked to think about the little blonde. It was the only part of her dreams that she could bare, mostly. The amount of love and longing she felt towards the blonde was indescribable and most times made her feel almost pained, because she would never have Historia. She was probably only a figment of her imagination, too, and she was in love with a ghost.

"Historia…" Ymir muttered softly with a sad smile. She would give anything to meet her. And when she really thought about it, Ymir wouldn't mind really living in that titan infested world if she could be by Historia's side. She understood the Ymir of her dreams, the feelings she had. Who wouldn't fall in love with someone like Historia? They were both troubled and they both had issues, but they fit so perfectly together, like they were born for each other.

But Historia was a dream and Ymir was reminded of how alone she was. Because of the dreams she had lost quite a few friendships and didn't have the heart to even think of dating. How could she date someone when her heart was sick with the love for someone else, even though that someone didn't technically exist? It was so difficult to explain and understand. Ymir was starting to get a headache again.

"Jesus, when did I become such an emo?" Ymir muttered after leaning forward and resting her face in her hands. Her shoulders fell forward and she sighed deeply.

"We all become a little depressed sometimes. How can you not these days?" A soft voice spoke up, startling Ymir into completely freezing.

It wasn't the sudden unexpected voice that startled Ymir so much. It was the sound of the voice and the emotions it evoked in her. Could it be?

Slowly Ymir uncovered her face and looked to her left where the voice had come from. Her eyes widened and she suddenly started choking. Ymir leaned forward again, coughing and gasping for air.

"Are you alright?" The stranger moved closer and started patting Ymir's back to help. "I'm sorry if I startled you."

Ymir shivered violently at the touch, feeling like the soft pressure and the gentle warmth had been with her forever. She eventually recovered and slowly looked up into the small blonde woman's face.

"Y-y-you…" She swallowed hard and tried to speak again, but couldn't. Her whole body was trembling badly.

"You look like you need to be alone. Sorry for bothering you." The girl gave a small, sad smile and then stood. She offered a small wave and started walking down the road.

Ymir shot up and reached out towards the blonde, heart racing. She shut her eyes for a moment, gathered her courage and then took a long, deep breath.

"Historia!" Ymir yelled in desperate anguish.

The blonde immediately froze and turned around. The expression on her face was of confusion, but when she turned and finally got a good look at Ymir's face, she gasped softly and covered her mouth with her hands.

"Y-Ymir?" She uttered softly, almost fearfully.

Ymir's heart pounded. There was no fucking way that this was happening. That this was the Historia of her dreams. But she looked like her, she smelt, sounded and felt like her. Exactly like the Historia in her dreams. She had also responded to the name, and knew Ymir's.

"Y-you're Historia, right?" Ymir said.

"I am… but how… how do you…?" Historia stepped forward and stopped in front of Ymir, eyes filled with tears that were threatening to pour.

Ymir didn't know how to explain it. She did not know what to say to this blonde, the girl she had been dreaming of and longing for, for months. Would she think her crazy, delusional? But she looked so relieved, so absolutely shocked. Ymir's mouth opened but no words came out. All she could do was look into those blue, teary eyes and feel like it suddenly all made sense. She felt all of the pieces of her dream personality and current personality come together and balance. She suddenly felt like she had finally overcome everything, and she had found her life again. In Historia. In this much smaller person sniffling in front of her.

Without another word Ymir stepped forward and pulled Historia into her arms. The blonde immediately started sobbing, wetting Ymir's neck and shirt with her salty tears. She fisted two handfuls of the taller woman's shirt and sobbed harder when Ymir tightened her arms around her.

"I-I don't really get it…" Historia hiccupped.

"I know." Ymir leaned her chin against the top of the blonde's head. It felt so right and so familiar, like she had done it so many times before.

"B-but… I have these dreams… and you…"

Ymir grinned and buried her nose in soft, blonde locks.

"There was all this blood and death. But you… were there… and I… finally I…"

Ymir pulled back and gently cupped the girl's tear streaked face. She glanced deeply into achingly familiar blue eyes, memories of their time together flitting through her mind. It was real, the dreams were all real. In another life, a different time, a horrible past. Ymir wasted no time and leaned forward, touching her lips to Historia's in a soft, warm kiss.

Historia whimpered and wrapped her arms around Ymir's neck. Around them few cars drove past on the road and the odd pedestrian walked by. The wind had died down and it was now silent and cool, but peaceful. Eventually Ymir broke the kiss and leaned her forehead against Historia's, smiling at the familiar tingling on her lips and the familiar taste on her tongue.

"I… I thought it was just a dream…. That you… were just a dream, but… but you're here… and you feel like you and smell like you and… and…"

Ymir pressed a finger to the blonde's lips and smiled softly at her. She raised an eyebrow when Historia did a little hiccup and started tearing up again.

With a settled heart, Ymir spoke.

"Historia, I'm home."


End file.
